Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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