do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
