I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
