think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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