you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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