Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
