i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
