you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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