for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
