Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
