Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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