if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
