You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
