I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
