Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
