he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
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The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
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Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants