i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
