Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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