on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
