There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
