Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
