I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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