Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.