Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
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coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
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you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.