I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways