Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
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When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
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Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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