Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
