I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
