Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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