I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
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