I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
