Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
