hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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