Only a mothe r could love this liver
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
