Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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