You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
