last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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