Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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