The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
