did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
