Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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