I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
