He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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