My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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