I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
