god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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