Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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