today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
