I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
