Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
