woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
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