How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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