I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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