Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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