I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
