My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
