alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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