i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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