I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
