I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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