i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
