im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
